marginalia001

For Debra, Christmas 1992
Well, it’s Christmas again, which means it’s time for another Hesse novel. This year’s selection is the absolute best. As before, in order to make this modest gift a bit more personal, I’ve included the underlining and notations that I made during my initial reading. So when you read, you can see what ideas appealed to me and think something like, “Jason WOULD like something like this.”
I really do recommend that you read this one, Debrah. There’s no better or more enlightening book on the development of self, the repudiation of convention, and the value of authenticity. As you’ve been told, the unexamined life is not worth living.
I hope you’ll give the book a try. I’m sure it would speak to you, as you are too valuable to be just a part of any herd. Self actualization is seldom pleasant and never easy, but the greatest among us are capable of it.
Affectionately,
Jason

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ghostwritten

i’m going to try to steer clear of any basic college chatter here…if you’d like to receive my mass mailed monthly-or-so college update, send me a note at franske@stolaf.edu and i’ll add you to the list.
in other news, jonathan chamberlain sent me a quality e-mail today. i’m a big fan of jon. his eyes make me smile. i look forward to seeing him at christmas…or apparently maybe at a tiki show, if i understood him correctly. i also got a letter from the johnsons. how awesome are real letters? i put it up on my wall. i’m building a wall again, next to my bed. it’s pretty skimpy so far. i brought a few things from home. as time goes on it will grow. i haven’t had a wall since january 18th. hehe.
now that i’m done confusing you, i’m going to work on getting a job. it’s borderline impossible here, honestly.

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day one

e-mail that says it all…sort of
annafine~
fine. then i’ll call you annafine! well duh annafine, did you think i was gonna STOP taping GG??????? where would you pick up that conclusion? honestly. i cried before, but on the way out of walmart tonight, i totally broke down. it started with we didn’t go to target like we thought we would, we went to walmart, so i couldn’t get my electric razor (obviously i didn’t tell mom that’s what i wanted, so she had no idea i was upset) and ended with me sobbing about how you wouldn’t need me anymore ’cause you have ellen now, and she gets to steal my big sister. wahoo. i know, that’s ridiculous: RI-DIC-U-LOUS! and i guess i kind of feel like when we could really be friends, not just sisters, you were gone. what about when i have to talk to someone about….. ya know…… “girly problems”? i love mom, but i’m just never quite comfy with that. why can’t we be like stephanie and d.j.?? d.j. never had to go to college! she went to prom and then the series was over and we all lived happily ever after! hey, just pick a weekly night to go to bill’s. that should make you feel better 🙂 maybe i’ll come out for my birthday or yours next year, when i’m a little older. anna, what’s so bad about st. olaf? you’ve been dying to go there forever. (oh, did i tell you that i cried all over the keyboard earlier and i think almost electrocuted myself? lol) is everything okay? hey everybody’s dying to know if you left those OREOs for people to eat, or if they’re YOURS!!!!! *smirk* I’m listening to “ULTIMATE” from Freaky Friday right now. OOOOH, GUESS WHAT! My Hilary Duff CD came! Excietment! did you find paul? if you didn’t….. (((Anna))) that’s a virtual hug. hey, i’m gonna shop with mom for your alarm clock, so i’ll find you a cute one. i need one, too. wow, i like typing long e-mails. love the paul buck shorthand! ugh. my eyes are swollen from crying so much. i’m not trying to make you feel bad. i’m sorry if i am. but i have one last feeling about you going to college. you ready? this is gonna be deep. like, mr. gumz deep. i’ve always wanted the kind of big sister that wears makeup and loves to go cute-clothes shopping with me. (not one who faints in Express) and just a couple years ago i realized that what i really want is what i have. you.
wish you were here right now, hugging me. same your way. goodnight.
love you and miss you to unhealthy standards,
~josie 🙁

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liturgical binoculars

tonight i’ll type instead of journal.
honestly, i want to scream. this weekend has been full of those moments. i either want to scream or cry every minute. there was one moment this morning when i was sitting so still, in such deep thought, that i felt like i was on vicidin, floating through space, as peaceful as is humanly possible. but other than that moment, i’ve felt the need to jump out of my skin for some air all weekend long.
honestly, i don’t want to work this week. i wasn’t supposed to work this week. i really don’t feel like i have the time–or energy. i don’t have the patience necessary to do either job well. five early mornings, five full days.
honestly, i think liturgical binoculars are ridiculous.
honestly, i think i’m physically ill.
honestly, i miss ashley an awful lot. how is it that we missed goodbye? i’m angry that i was never around. upset that i missed hanging out with my best friend. we had an understanding. i’m so frustrated–so very frustrated–with the way the summer went by.
honestly, i need a hug. theresa just sent me one. the biggest one she could on aim. i hate aim. but i love theresa. she always makes me smile. i could use a huntley hug right now, though. a super-duper huntley hug. i need to know that comfort still exists.
honestly, three posts is too many for one day.
honestly, tonight i decided i was not at all interested in going to college. i felt like i was going to explode, and i was supposed to be making lists of things we have and things i need. the whole idea of college disgusted me. i doubt i’ll feel the same way tomorrow, but there are moments (more than i’d like to admit) when i feel that the time and the ridiculous amount of money would be better spent elsewhere and i despise everything college related. i don’t deserve the schooling if i’m not sure i want it. why can’t i want it? frustration.
honestly, i was infuriated (so much so that i was initially amused) by a favor asked of me a few days ago. part of me wants to clean his clock–when will he start to see other people? the other part of me says to forgive and forget–i’m usually so good at that–there’s no good reason not to help another person. i’m frustrated with myself for not having the courage to clean his clock…and i’m frustrated with myself for wanting the satisfaction of seeing him humbled, for once, and knowing that i caused his humility. it makes me feel cold to be so cold.
honestly, i’ve had thirteen glasses of water–i’m considering that a meal.
honestly, i welcome vanning tomorrow evening.
honestly, i haven’t been writing the letters i should be. i owe anna carpenter big time. i left her a message, and i’m going to try to visit her this week…i’ve been a rotten friend.
honestly, i’m not sure i can handle this sickness. i’m not ready to give up my oma and my opa. i’ll cry when i see them. so much love. so much.
honestly, my heart hurts, and i’m ready for tomorrow.
honestly, honesty should be so much simpler.

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take the first step (??)

does msn really want to make me a better person?
august gardening tips
a guide for securing your data and shielding it from prying eyes
dating tips for single parents
avioding a bad picnic
job interview pet peeves
now, i must admit. i, like many others, have been known to click on one or two of the above (or a similar link). today i chose dating tips for single parents. it told me what i expected it to tell me–it became more of a vehicle for ads than anything else–but i wonder if others log on to msn daily for advice. are single parents reading this somewhere and changing their behavior dramatically because of it?
“the kids have to save themselves these days because the parents don’t have a clue.”
donnie darko

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truth019

i journal.
i journal, but i don’t blog it all for the world to see. sometimes i keep it to myself because i write such sad stuff so often…it’s not that i’m always sad, it’s just that being sad makes me want to write. to a reader, however, it might look like all i ever am is sad, because i write about those emotions more than others. if i can get into the habit of writing no matter how i’m feeking, perhaps the melancholy entries will resurface.
othertimes i journal my confessions. if i was sitting in a room right now, telling you all this, i would have taken a deep breath before i said that–and i would probably have been out of breath by the time i got to the last syllable of “confessions.” it’s just one of those big things, and it makes me choke. it makes me feel so cold to be so cold.
i’m struggling these days with how–and when–to reveal my shortcomings. i’ve been taught to confess my sins* so that i can be forgiven. i don’t know how to do that. i guess i need to start by learning to trust the people around me.
i’ve had a lot of bad thoughts lately. cold, mean thoughts that actually make me shudder i’m so disgusted with myself. i talked to a friend about it recently and told him how frustrated i was with this “sudden change.” a week later i came upon the following passage:
“We imply, and often believe, that habitual vices are exceptional single acts, and make the opposite mistake about our virtues–like the bad tennis player who calls his normal form his ‘bad days’ and mistakes his rare successes for his normal. I do not think it is our fault that we cannot tell the real truth about ourselves; the persistent, life-long, inner murmur of spite, jealousy, prurience, greed and self-complacence, simply will not go into words.”
-c.s. lewis, the problem of pain
i do believe i’ve missed the point. perhaps in my journaling i’ve watered down the meaning of the word confession. i see revealing my weaknesses to a community of people as a vital step in improving such behavior. in a way, i’ve asked that community to help me recognize that behavior and hold me accountable.
thank goodness for those that already do.
p.s. i didn’t intend for this post to be overly religious…the language (“confession”, “sin”) just seemed to most accurately describe the ridiculous mess of wordless emotion in my head.

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item007

“how can peace come to us all
if all i want is peace for me?”

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drama in suburbia

THE POWER PROBLEM
it all started about two weeks ago when we got a flyer in our mailbox announcing our neighborhood’s upcoming meeting with an xcel energy representative. the flyer went on to say that xcel expects each area to have no more than 3 power outages per year, while our neighborhood exceeds that limit by two to three dozen. the flyer stated that our situation was “unacceptable” and that it was very important that there be a representative from every household at the meeting.
ben, my dad, and i were all interested in how things would turn out, so all three of us went to the meeting. i guess you could say we represented our block; we have elderly neighbors on either side, none of which could attend the meeting. our family is used to outages. when we hear there’s a storm coming, we get the candles out. it’s routine. last year we bought a small generator to run the freezer and sump pump because our basement was flooding so often. but these sorts of things are bound to happen when you live on a swamp and your power lines run through bredesen park.
the meeting got off to a rocky start. they decided to begin by having an engineer explain how the power gets from xcel to our neighborhood. after two minutes, a woman in the back yelled, “sorry to be blunt, but….we don’t really care. tell us how you’re going to solve this problem.” many agreed, but someone said to let the man speak, so he continued. i really enjoyed the little lesson. i think it was necessary to understand how the power works to understand why it’s such a problem where we live. basically, we’re at the end of the line. the power goes all the way down tracy to vernon, down vernon to olinger, and from olinger up through the backyards to arbour. the family living across the street from us get their power right from tracy–they lose power once or twice a year, tops.
during the meeting, my brother, dad, and i realized that you can hardly compare our situation to anyone who lives on olinger circle. they lose power for three or four days at a time (as opposed to 20 hours or so for us). most of them have lost a great deal of time and money cleaning up flooded basements and throwing away spoiled food. i understand their frustration; still, i think some of their comments were a bit ridiculous. for example, one frustrated customer stated, “my goodness, it feels like we’re living in a third world country!”
i guess the reaction was what really got me. instead of snickering and eyes opening wide, almost everyone in the room nodded and made some sort of verbal agreement. three cell phones and much arguing later, the xcel energy representatives proposed their plan: to move up next year’s tree trimming to this month and put our neighborhood on a two or three year trimming cycle rather than the four year cycle we’re currently on. many customers left angry. a lot of them refused to believe that the trees were the problem and said they wouldn’t be satisfied until everything–the lines, poles, transformers, etc–were replaced with brand new ones. unlikely. others, when asked what should be done instead of trimming the trees, just yelled, “SOLVE THE PROBLEM!”
the tree trimming is scheduled to start july 28th. there will be a follow-up meeting sometime thereafter. it’s hard to capture the silliness of it all right now, but perhaps i’ll tape the next meeting….it was like an old school town hall meeting. i don’t know how else to describe it. senseless bickering. they do what they can.
THE MILK DILEMNA
our milkman went on strike. well, he did along with all the other meyer bros. dairy truck drivers. the company that recently bought meyer brothers renegotiated the drivers’ contracts, removing the retirement plan agreement and decreasing benefits and wages. our driver is a good friend of the family. he comes by every year before school starts to chat. we make him cookies and leave them by the fridge. he comes twice a week in the wee hours of the morning, so we don’t usually get to see him. when i was little he’d come at 7:30am, so we’d all get to fool around for awhile before school. i remember this one time he tried to stuff me in the mailbox and then pretended that he was going to take me with him in his truck. he’s fun. anyway….the drivers went around to their customers and asked them to stop buying meyer bros. milk until the regular drivers are back to put pressure on the company. we agreed….after all, johnnie had been delivering our milk for more than 10 years.
the decision had consequences. that night, ben, josie, and i went to two grocery stores to buy four different kinds of milk: kemps in a carton, kemps in a jug, land o lakes in a carton, and byerly’s “in the dark” (that means an opaque jug). when we got home, we had a taste test. we liked byerly’s the best, but none of them compared to meyer bros.–like i said, we’re serious about our milk.
johnnie called today to let us know that the strike is over. he’ll be back at our house tomorrow. my nanny kids, who have heard the story, wanted to throw a party. i laughed, then informed them that johnnie comes at 4 in the morning. instead, we made some bars and a welcome back sign.
such drama.
drama in suburbia.

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truth018

loose teeth freak me out.

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mail order

the mail system has always fascinated me. there’s something to be said for getting a real letter in the mail–or even just handed to you. it’s something real, something tangible, something….something that has been on an adventure. it was sealed, stamped, and transported. it was handled by many different people and somehow found its way to your mailbox in just a few days. our mail comes late–not until almost five. sometimes i’m home early enough for the mail to come and i get to it first….the sorting, the opening….it’s exciting for me.
today i got a package from amazon. well. ben did. but we’d combined our orders to save on shipping, so i opened it as soon as it came. i think i’d like working for ups…or fed ex…or usps…i would guess that there are certain qualifications for those jobs. they get to drive trucks, after all. maybe it will just have to be something i dream about. bringing people packages, i mean.

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