all the animals at the zoo have ponds

i do a horrible job of standing up for my friends

i’d like to write about an emotional experience i had on friday–but i can’t. or maybe i don’t want to…i just don’t know how to express in words what i was feeling at that moment…well that’s not true either. i could very easily get that idea across. but what i can’t explain is why i’m not feeling that way right now. why i can’t feel that way right now. the fact is, there are a lot of things i don’t want to explain right now.
do people tell the truth?? i guess i’ll never know who’s telling the whole truth and if their truth is as deep and pure and the truth i feel. maybe you have to know yourself really well to be able to do that…i know when i’m lying to myself. i know how i really feel about most everything. i don’t tell people. is that a mistake? i don’t want to scare everyone away.
the beginning of ghost in the snow just made me cry.
i said earlier that i don’t cry easily. that’s not true. what’s true is that i don’t let other people see me cry. i want to hide those things. tears require explanations. i don’t want to exlain what made me cry. especially if you made me cry. and even if it wasn’t you. what are you going to do about it? why does it matter? just give me a hug and tell me you’re there for me.
that stupid phone!
a couple of weeks ago i ended up in the your* office in tears. you cursed. i laughed. i lost it. you hugged me. i went back to school. that’s the way it should work. but at one in the morning you’re hard to reach. your desk is locked behind big heavy doors.
you** needed me one night. i should have held you close and made you feel safe. i was careful. you say i helped. maybe i did. but i failed on some vital points. you went away and changed. then for some reason my muffin statement touched you. i don’t know how or why…but it made me wonder if there was a bit of the glaze left in your eye. in fact, i was convinced. but for me life just grew colder. we seemed to grow further and further apart. sometimes i wish you were the same because then you might need me. that’s selfish. i’m sorry.
my cliff theory doesn’t work anymore. i’m too unpredictable for that. my boundries are too thin. you see how i don’t want to explain anything?? i just want you to understand already. or for the foundation not to matter so much.
ghost in the snow. over and over again.
nothing changes. i clean and i rearrange and i clean again. i sort and i toss and i wash and i wring. i smile and i cry. i wince and i smirk. i curl up and i lie flat. i’ll always be afraid. afraid of drawing lines in our sandbox. afraid of closing doors. i’m afraid to talk to anyone but myself. and talking to myself makes me awfully lonely. i can’t be my own stomache ache cure. i need other people. i know i do.
goodbye.
*doesn’t read my blog
**doesn’t read my blog

my buddy left a little while ago…she brought me a fabulous surprise. she brought me a way to keep warm all winter long. warm red mittens. and warm they are. very nice and warm. i can;’t tyope so well with them on…i correct some of my mistakes and other s i just levae in. i like it that wayl. then you will all know when i have my jittens on. hehe. anyway. yes. on the outside i’ll be nice and warm. but on the inside too–because every time i wear them (which will be every single day) i’ll think of my friend every time i look down at my hands. those sad days when i don’t have a hooded sweatshirt with a pocket for my hands i wont get so sad. i’ll just put on my mittens and smile. and miss her. because she’s awfully sweet. sweet people make me happy. they remind me how beautiful the world can be. they remind me that love is all around me. i appreciate surprises. and i love to be visited. sometimes i don’t visit because i don;’t know if that would be okay. but you’re alwayas welcome here. all of you.
i left the light on.
it was an accident done on purpose.
love anna

i am extremely nearsighted.

when i was little i used to get jealous of all the people who lived in houses with street signs on their lawns. i think it all began back in kindergarten when the erdalls and i used to climb the arbour ave/west 61st street sign on the corner while we waited for the bus. my fascination only intensified when i began to notice all sorts of other street signs in yards…speed limits, school crossing…well, as it happens, we had a street sign of our very own in our yard all along. sigh.

thank god for people who write me e-mails. i mean honestly. i was doing fine when i got home from school…i was in a good mood. but a phone call from the folks who want me to pay them money to be somewhere i don’t want to be…all of a sudden i was in a horrible mood really really fast. it’s too bad that today’s afternoon can’t be coupled with yesterday’s school day. that might make my complaining worth the energy. but regardless, thank god for people who write me e-mails. because it’s certainly appreciated, even when i don’t respond.

i was jealous of you when i first met you. i think i still get jealous from time to time, but i’ve learned how to handle those feelings and direct my thoughts elsewhere. you’re a good friend. i wouldn’t want to take for granted the things you’ve taught me. and i don’t want to forget the things you’ve introduced me to. except for that vegetarian sushi incident. that can be forgotten.
i know you hate that i know you. or at least you say you do. honestly, deep down i think it makes you feel good. to have a connection with someone. to know that at least there’s one person who understands you. know that i enjoy spending time with you. that i value your friendship and appreciate your advice…even when you tell me i need a boy 🙂
goodnight my friend. sweet dreams.
love anna

i’m considering a sort of interactive blog if there’s any interest…basically i’m looking for questions you might have or subjects i could blog about…your names/e-mail addresses wouldn’t be used or shared. in addition to answering your questions i’ll continue to blog whenever i feel the need to and about anything…and of course i’ll continue lostandfound, somethingforeveryone, and truths. though i lost most of that when the server crashed.
anyway, thoughts, questions, concerns can be directed here:
areaderofjournals@hotmail.com

someone* got worried and sent me an e-mail…due to the lack of posts?? or because the server was down for a day? i don’t know…but there’s at least one of you out there still reading my blog from time to time. so i continue.
okay. i’m no longer a fan of senior photos. the actual picture taking experience was deceiving. i thought i’d made it through without a scratch. the photo session was pretty painless. but as it turns out…who knew choosing a picture could be so difficult?? and packages and such?? ehhhh. my goodness. maybe i don’t want any pictures after all.
on another note. the beginning of school. mixed feelings i guess. some of it is exciting. other parts make me sad. sometimes it’s the same parts and the same people that make me both excited and sad. other times i just get confused. i don’t know what to think, how to interpet the little things. i don’t want to lose sight of the particulars–but i don’t want to get so caught up in the details that i miss the obvious….the here and now….the day to day….
sometimes i wonder about my high school experience (or lack there of). i wonder sometimes…if i’d just played the game…how differently things might have turned out. how maybe i’d be sleeping right now with my ap calculus book in my lap…or in a completly different scenerio…well. anyway. is it possible that i was meant to attend parties and dances and run for student council? because there are people that do that…and at least seem to enjoy it. there are people who experience high school in such a different way than i have. they seem to be doing all right. well. at least some of them. but when i think about it, i kind of like things they way the are. the way i’ve done high school works for me. not so much my lonely activity lacking self (on a bad day) as the independent not so stressed time for a good record or some hot chocolate self.
i miss brother ben.
*b, i appreciated the note. time to time becoming more frequent? my life would be more interesting if we chatted once and awhile (and that goes both ways). give me a call sometime. we’ll visit the cocoa bean or something…
note: congrats to these guys, named best new band by the city pages. don’t forget the little people.

1. marching band is still marching band.
2. senior pictures aren’t so painful after all.
3. you’re either a sushi person or you’re not. i’m not.
4. girls rule boys drool.
5. i miss lemonade stands.
6. i went to ashley’s cheerleading practice last night. the coach tried to recruit me. i politely declined.
good day.
love anna