all the animals at the zoo have ponds

“She saw the light again. With some irony in her interrogation, for when one woke at all, one’s relations changed, she looked at the steady light, the pitiless, the remorseless, which was so much her, yet so little her, which had her at its beck and call (she woke in the night and saw it bent across their bed, stroking the floor), but for all that she thought, watching it with fascination, hypnotised, as if it were stroking with its silver fingers some sealed vessel in her brain whose bursting would flood her with delight, she had known happiness, exquisite happiness, intense happiness, and it silvered the rough waves a little more brightly, as daylight faded, and the blue went out of the sea and it rolled in waves of pure lemon which curved and swelled and broke upon the beach and the ecstasy burst in her eyes and waves of pure delight raced over the floor of her mind and she felt, It is enough! It is enough!”

i spent a great deal of time on my paper today…i haven’t actually gotten to the paper yet…but i’ve been reading a lot about dylan thomas. it’s been really interesting, but i’m going to have to take a break from thomas’ perception of time for awhile…
i love to cook. i think making desserts is more interesting for me at this point because i’ve had more experience with it, which enables me to make tastier dishes…but i’d like to look at taking some classes or purchasing some cookbooks. i took this amazing cake decorating class one summer–we each made our own cake everyday and decorated it–it was great. i loved that class and learned so much. i guess i took a cooking class one summer too–but it was ridiculous. a joke. i think it was in st. louis park…anyway. i’d never want to be a chef or anything like that…but i’d love to be able to make really flavorful meals for myself and my company. i like eating meals at home. anyway. we’ll see if i can find some evening classes for the summer. until then i’ll just have some fun. tomorrow i’m making a flourless chocolate torte 🙂

some of the reasons why i’m happy tonight*….
tori. with only one exception**, i’ve never felt music that way before. in my mind, little earthquakes is especially breathtaking, but her talent is certainly evident elsewhere.
i caught a nap on a couch in an apartment severely lamp lacking. the smell reminds me of what it takes to make a place feel like home…and of what it takes to make a person happy.
the artist’s quarter. it’s not the same anymore. but memories of the old building and the many times i went to hear drums or a vibraphone make me smile.
autechre
coffee. i haven’t become addicted. i don’t rely on multiple cups everyday…but the warmth in my hands and my throat make me feel so comfortable. and again. the smell. which actually contributes to the smell of the city life.
cussler. i don’t think i’d be there if i hadn’t seen the way the class was affecting your thinking.
diary of a madman
[good for any beer, house wine, or rail cocktail on night of performance]
emo(??)
everything that rises must converge
em forster. page 221, i believe.
because i love my family.
ghirardelli. double chocolate. i know i’ve never been a huge chocolate fan…but this…this was amazing…pie, hot chocolate, and m&m’s. the only chocolate i need.
because i’m trying to walk the narrow path but it’s awfully hard.
[happy as the grass is green]
icol diston
minneapolis
people. graham. huntley. james. lisa. luke. two weeks ago someone asked luke whether he and i were related. easy answer. then how we knew each other. his response made me smile. this list is certainly not exclusive. there are more people than i can count.
because it’s bigger than me. bigger than you. beyond our ability to comprehend the beauty of it all.
popcorn. and even reading the dictionary…with people who appreciate me.
porch.
the sky [we’re going to go stand with them] beautiful.
steve reich
tni books. blogs, books, and cds. thanks to a random link on pedro’s site…thanks to ryan…
because i felt i had something to prove when i learned to play twist and shout. i ended up quitting anyway, but i practiced on cardboard boxes until i had it nailed. it was like i’d won a battle.
vinyl. and the record that prompted me to put the record player in my room.
west side story. ha. and rides in the back of matt’s pickup with words that made me think.
yeats. a prayer for my daughter. and others.
*and thankful!
**pedro. secret of the easy yoke must not be left out here…i listen to that song differently than i did a few years ago, but it must be remembered.

i’m on a no nonsense wheat thins kick. although i’m not sure i approve of the motivation behind my sudden desire to snack, i’ve got to say that i chose a tasty cracker for the job. i’ve finished at least one full box the last two days*, but it seems my infatuation is contagious–my mother has also given into the wheat thins craze. the box i started yesterday was gone when i got home this afternoon.
also, for those of you who doubted i’d ever follow through with my frozen pizza purchases, i thought i’d give you an update–i’ve been to jerry’s and now have three different varieties in the freezer. i plan to try the first one this weekend. i’ll let you know how it goes.
for now i have to go for a walk. pizza makes me think. thinking is better when it’s not done at home. good day.
*it should be noted that today’s afternoon snack was delayed several hours due to a trip to the dentist–consequently, i do not hold myself accountable for the additional number of wheat thins i ate today as a result of this postponement.

::BIG NEWS::
i went to jerry’s a week or two ago and found a wonderful surprise…they now carry two additional varieties of frozen pizza, both of which look as if they deserve the twenty two minutes of oven time they require…they are, however, ridiculously expensive. anyone want to share one??
pizza talk reminds me of bill’s, which reminds me of college. phew. college. my feelings about college go up and down and up and down. a lot of the time the idea of college excites me. i got my housing information in the mail the other day and all of sudden i could hardly wait to get on campus. but then there are other times…times when i sit in the car, driving up and down familiar streets…or when i lie in my bed at night…and there’s no one there but me…and i just want to disappear. disappear into the darkness into a place that’s all my own. a place where i can make my own life, earn my own living, make my own friends. a place where i feel like i’m taking a real risk. a place where i can learn the things about myself and about life that i know i need to learn. but then again, maybe that’s not the risk i need to take. maybe college is that risk. maybe college is the challenge i need, the experience i need to grow as a person, to learn about life and about myself. maybe college is just as scary for me as waking up alone in the dark and having to fend for myself.
god–to wake up alone in the dark.
lately i’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the person i’ve become. i know that i am not, by any means, done. but having had the opportunity to step back and look at where i am so far…oof. i’ve got to say the life i have now is most certainly not the one i want to lead for the rest of my life. i’ve certainly made some progress, with the help of a friend. friends are important. i need friends. i need people. i didn’t understand that until this year. i’ve never really believed it until recently. i don’t know if it was just that i felt the need to fix everything on my own, to be able to provide myself with everything i need (including my emotional needs) or if i was just afraid to share my life with other people.
to wake up. alone. in the dark.
in a lot of ways i’m still afraid. i know there are people who care about me. i know there are people who love me. who would do anything for me. but even though i know that….i feel like i don’t have anything to hang onto. so i hang onto these pieces of myself instead…i hang onto my deepest, most intense thoughts. i can’t communicate with the people closest to me. i can’t tell them how i feel. what i think.
alone–in the dark.
and i can’t relax. i can’t hang out and just have a good time. because i can’t let that part of me go, that part the protects me. i can’t let my guard down. i want to. i want to be able to let those things go. but i can’t. because i don’t trust the outside forces to hold me up. i want to. but i can’t let go. i only trust my own arms, my own feet. but they get so tired. and it doesnt’ make any sense not to trust. because the people i surround myself with are not the people who would let me fall. they’re the people that would catch me and help me back up. these are wonderful, caring people. people who deserve my trust. why can’t i give them that?? why can’t i???
alone. dark.
i get it. i understand. don’t i understand? didn’t i just say it? i’m scared. so scared. that i’ll wake up alone in the dark. and i’ll just curl up in a ball and cry. which sounds so incredibly depressing. and yes, i suppose it is. of course it is. it’s a very lonely place! i can see it. i can feel it. i can almost touch it. and i shiver. i see myself getting closer everytime i don’t pick up the phone. everytime i decide to stay home. everytime i keep my mouth shut.
i need to find some way to end this on a happier note. but i don’t know how to do that. i’d like to be able to say that by putting all these thoughts onto paper i’ve developed some great plan or that i’ve suddenly realized that i can trust afterall. but i can’t. because i know this will take time to sort out. i know i need other people to help me sort it out. to help me open up and let other people inside. i want to let you inside. please. don’t hesitate to knock.

my last entry was my twenty fourth….that is, of course, not entirely accurate–i deleted a whole bunch of posts in the middle–but the entry deserves recognition all the same. i suspect there are a few of you who don’t understand the significance of the twenty fourth post–that’s okay. you’re not missing a whole lot. just know that the number twenty four is important to me…times and dates and model numbers and the like…it seems to appear almost everywhere in my life.

a hot shower is my remedy for crabbiness.

are you asleep where you are?

i sat down at the computer tonight and opened a game of spider solitaire….but for some reason i’m not able to focus on anything at all. i’m a bit dizzy and the light from the screen hurts my eyes. i think switching to glasses and falling asleep to peter gabriel is the answer.

i ran across a free sample booth at jerry’s today:
free sample giver outer: this here is egg nog….and the darker colored liquid is the light egg nog. both varities are on sale on aisle 3.
customer: hmm…okay, i think i’ll try the egg nog.
fsgo: you don’t want the egg nog, you want the light egg nog, it’s much better for you.
customer: yes, but it’s more expensive.
fsgo: not nearly as expensive as your hospital bills will be if you keep drinking regular egg nog.
another customer arrives at the booth.
customer #2: what’s this, egg nog? how’s that stuff taste?
fsgo: yes, egg nog, it’s thick, sort of like yo-j.
customer #2: oh. nevermind then. i only drink vodka.