all the animals at the zoo have ponds

i’ve had an emotional day.
josie’s leaving for camp tomorrow–noah left for mexico this morning. the last few days, i haven’t been able to be the sister i’m always trying to be. i took josie shopping today and i couldn’t raise her spirits. she’s really nervous about going to camp. i knew this. but i just couldn’t do it. i struggled–feeling empty but extremely heavy all at once.
i wallowed in that feeling for a good part of the day. there was no one at home to call me on it, so i continued, requesting, expecting, almost demanding mercy. i went to church with josie tonight. the second reading was from the 2nd corinthians. 2nd corinthians is a letter written by a man named paul to the people of corinth. corinth was the las vegas of biblical times–maybe not as glamourous as las vegas–maybe reno. anyway, the corinthians were known for drinking, prostitution, and infidelity. paul’s letters were read to the people of corinth so that they might know how to walk the narrow path, so to speak.
paul seems to do a lot of self reflection in his letters as well. it’s almost as if he was writing a letter and he thought of something he needed to work out for himself and it was easier to do on paper…and then he decided not to cross it out. for example:
7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
i don’t know exactly what paul meant by a thorn in his flesh…but as i listened, it became clear to me that i spend a great deal of time hoping and praying that my own “thorns” will be removed when maybe i should delight in them instead. i’ve seen that strength before…but i always manage to forget about it when i’m looking for pity.
i think the greatest part about paul’s letters is that they don’t require the audience to be church-going. the corinthians certainly weren’t. it might have been paul’s hope that they be transformed into churchgoers, but he wasn’t expecting people to come to the text and already be an expert. i think that’s why a lot of churches–particularly modern churches–have trouble reaching postmodern kids. they answer questions with out of context bible verses and convince themselves that they’re making sense. maybe that was too harsh.
on a similar note, i’m still thinking about peace. it’s all tied together…that is, my emotional day and the people i meet and the books that i read. tonight it was a line from a movie:
“you cannot find peace by avoiding life.”
i just finished watching the hours. it was amazing. i cried–much more than i thought i would. it was sad, but it was also beautiful. three women, all from different times, linked together…and not just by a book (a book that i’m now determined to finish after putting it aside months ago) but also by the words they used, the way they handled food, and the way they woke up in the morning.
speaking of waking up in the morning.
goodnight.

old printers smell like airplanes

if my blog was an album, this would be its title track.
i went to the zoo today. we started with discovery bay. i still won’t pet the sharks–it’s not as bad as snake skin, but i still won’t touch them. we watched the dolphins for awhile, but we decided it would be better to come back for the show (which didn’t start for another 40 minutes–we ended up missing it anyway). next we walked through the indoor exhibits. we watched the white cheeked gibbons for a long time…they have amazingly long arms. the female was really active. she kept trying to get the male to come swing with her–but she finally gave up. and so did we. he didn’t look like he was going to budge anytime soon.
the highlight of the day (and the reason we missed the dolphin show) was the slow loris. the slow loris is incredible. when you can’t see its face, it almost looks like a baby polar bear way off in the distance. it moves across the ground the way a polar bear moves–but almost in slow motion. its movements are deliberate. incredibly intense. it doesn’t move like a turtle. it’s slower, and its movements are continuous. watching makes you want to hold your breath as it takes each step. we watched the slow loris for at least 20 minutes. if i could take care of a zoo animal, it would be the slow loris. no questions asked. i just want to hold it in my arms. the slow loris is nocturnal; it curls up in a ball all day and then walks alone at night, slowly and intensely. i can’t describe it any other way. intense. like each action, each movement, takes an incredible amount of concentration. it’s beautiful and painful at the same time. not unlike a trip to the zoo.
not everyone gets a pond. i’m sure there is a political element to that…the benefactors gave x number of dollars for the kamongo dragon’s living space, so he gets a pond but the less fortunate sun bear does not. but not all animals like water. some are probably afraid of it. it’s possible that i was too hard on mrs. rosauer. i’m sure she takes good care of her dog.
i’ve never had a pet. i can certainly understand why people have pets…i often wish i had a dog. i think that’s the only pet that i could ever see myself having if i lived by myself. maybe someday.

“this bear goes with me everywhere.”
you made my day too.

last night i found a cd on the sidewalk in northfield. it was a cd-r, and someone had scrawled “a perfect circle” on the front of it. there’s a big crack in the side and it’s a bit scratched up…but i put it in my purse anyway and continued walking. i had a good time. it was fun! we never got to talk about peace…i forgot. we’ll have to do that another time over some other food or beverage.
the weather was crazy last night. ben and i drove around for awhile at 11:30 or so–it was ridiculously windy and pouring rain. ben had the antennae on the roof of the car and was calling in his observations to whoever is at the other end of that ham radio. he’s some kind of an official storm spotter now. he sat in on a two hour class?? and maybe took some kind of a test?? i don’t know. another certificate to put on the wall in his cube (which is, by the way, quite spacious).
ben’s job has other perks (or SOME perks, as opposed to other, if you don’t think a cube is a perk). he’s getting me free speakers for my laptop (which should arrive in the next week or two i hope) and possibly a wireless mouse. we’ll see about that one. he got one already but he’s keeping it. i don’t know if he’ll be able to get his hands on another.
time for some sleep. tomorrow is another early morning.
my alarm clock is still in a box. but at least now we’ve got our power back 🙂

i’ve had a lot of different people tell me how important it is to be at peace with the members of my community. i’ve been struggling with that for some time now. i don’t think it’s unusual to struggle with that–i think everyone does. but what does it mean to be at peace with someone? how far do you have to go, how hard do you have to try? when will trying only further damage an already crippled relationship? how do you be honest without causing pain? is it okay to cause pain? how can i feel good about entering into new relationships with people when i’m not at peace with the people i already know? recently i’ve been oppressed by thoughts of inadequacy and limitation. i don’t know what to do with that. i’m trying to walk the narrow path but it’s awfully hard. again i become like stephen–mortifying my senses…looking for answers in the places i’d expect them. instead i’m finding slivers of hope in what wouldn’t otherwise be applicable at all. i’m hearing what i need to hear while listening to what i didn’t think i needed to hear. even with that, i don’t know what to do. i hear it–peace. peace. peace. but how?
you need time by yourself to know yourself.
you have to know yourself to possess yourself.
you have to possess yourself to give yourself away.
you have to give yourself away to know love.
possess yourself?? what is that supposed to mean? i guess that will be discussed over pizza tomorrow. i haven’t talked to anyone about it yet. possess yourself. hmm. maybe that has something to do with that upset stomach kind of a feeling you get when you can hardly handle “your situation.” that is, what you’ve made of yourself. when you can hardly stomach it. hardly hold it in your hand because you don’t want to look at it, and the idea of such a thing being a part of you is hardly imaginable. i don’t know. i should have asked.
i’ve taken in so much lately. i’ve had so many books to read and people to talk to–people are lovely. i have wonderful relationships with a number of people. i must always remember that. i must always remember to be greatful for those friendships. i still feel, though, that i can’t ignore what mess i’ve left (or at least contributed to–i’d like to think that is much more accurate :)) just because i have something “prettier” to focus on. i affect everyone around me. sometimes those people are as fragile as can be. a free meal here and there isn’t worth it at the cost of even one of these “weak ones.” i vow to be gentle. compassionate. loving. forgiving. i’ll do whatever it takes.
please.
bring on the peace.

rita has a crush on steve kimball.
today (or yesterday, i suppose–friday the 13th) was my last day selling pantyhose. i got to work at 4:30….walked around “straightening things up” for an hour, went on a break (rita insisted that i take a break even though she was scheduled to leave at 4:30…she didn’t actually end up going until 6:15…anyway. steve came to visit while i was on break and he talked to rita for awhile. he found me on a bench twenty minutes later and bought me a smoothie. i got other visitors tonight, too. but even with all the visitors, tonight was probably the slowest night yet. every minute felt long. when rita was hugging me goodbye though, i realized that i will in fact miss working in the legwear department in some respects. i’ve learned a lot. at the end of the summer i’ll compare my four jobs and make some kind of a list of skills acquired, etc. i’ll also continue to profile my coworkers. but for now i’m exhausted. work is exhausting.

yesterday i worked all day with rita. rita is at least 75 or 80 years old. she’s been selling pantyhose for 23 years. everyone knows her. they all come in and ask for rita. if rita is busy, they’ll wait for her–even if they don’t need any help. rita opens more credit accounts than anyone in the store. working in the legwear department, that’s quite an achievement. the other day she opened eight of them. my goal for the month of may (set by my manager) was two. i didn’t meet that goal. yesterday employees received between one and twenty dollars for each credit account they opened (amount at random). rita “won” two dollars. she gave it to me and insisted that i buy yogurt or a soda pop after work. later that afternoon she came back from her lunch break with a rice krispie bar. she apologized; there hadn’t been any blueberry muffins left, but would i like a rice krispie bar? because they’re delicious! and–did i know how to make them? and–of course i must because i’m excellent in the kitchen. and–i must get good marks. do i get good marks? the best marks? she continued to praise me all afternoon. she always smiles. she loves me. loves me like a grandmother loves a granddaughter. rita’s divorced. she lives by herself. she wakes up in the middle of the night and drinks tea because she can’t go back to sleep. this weekend she lost her voice. she needs rest. she needs someone to take care of her. on friday–with tears in my eyes, i’m sure–i’ll promise to visit her…and i will. i’ll bring her cookies and let her know she means something to me.
tonight i was talking to matt henry and i began to cry. i can’t explain why or how certain people have touched me. there just seem to be these people in my life that can get at parts of me that most people can’t–parts of me that could use a bit of exercise, in a sense. sometimes that’s overwhelming. sometimes i can’t contain those emotions and i fall apart. sometimes i get scared and i hide. but sometimes i can just swim in it. i want to swim in it. i want to dance on the rooftops.
thanks to a few of my teachers, i’ve learned some important lessons this year. i’m trying to thank them in a way that they’ll appreciate, but so far i haven’t had any luck. the rest of tonight will be spent trying to find a way to do that.
the paragraphs keep getting shorter.
goodnight.

i’m far enough out there to threaten only ships–but your sailboat wouldn’t stand a chance.

trying not to cry, trying not to cry, trying not to cry, trying not to cry.
::you took me to white castle::
trying not to cry, trying not to cry, trying not to cry, trying not to cry.
::you danced with me::
trying not to cry, trying not to cry, trying not to cry, trying not to cry.
::you were there for me::
trying not to cry, trying not to cry, trying not to cry, trying not to cry.
::you drove me around::
trying not to cry, trying not to cry, trying not to cry, trying not to cry.
::you made me a prom dress::
trying not to cry, trying not to cry, trying not to cry, trying not to cry.
::you loved me::
trying not to cry, trying not to cry, trying not to cry, trying not to cry.
::and then you let me cry. and you said it was okay::