time passes

July 11, 2002
[variations on a] confession
i cry…it happens. often. when it does, i’m hurting. sometimes i’m ashamed of my tears and sometimes i’m ashamed of my lack of courage, faith, or sympathy, ashamed of my selfishness, or ashamed of not being the person i know i’m capable of being. the tears are usually brought on by questions i ask myself. questions like:
how did things get so messed up?
why won’t i let anyone in?
will i let it be about me?
i cry because i’m sad. my concerns are real. my heart needs to be touched. i’ve surrendered to my fears; i’ve tucked myself in and i don’t have the strength to get out into the cold on my own.
i’ve never wanted to believe that anyone was capable of helping me. it’s mostly a pride thing. it’s also a self esteem issue. i’m careful with who i am to other people. i’ve been hurricane ana. harmless. whirling around in the middle of the ocean. not bothering anyone. falling apart. losing strength. fighting yourself is exhausting.
these are my thoughts tonight. they are the truth. this is what is in my head. i feel so heavy. so full. tomorrow is a new day. tomorrow the sun may shine and i may forget all this. i hope that happens. i hope these last 10 days or so end tonight. if not tonight, maybe another day soon.
everything’s going to be okay.