blankets please

i want to blog so badly. it’s as if i have all these words in my stomach–and if i could cough them up and spit them out all over this page–the ache would go away. but the beginnings of sentences remain, the c’s and the b’s hooked together, caught between thursday’s half-finished paragraphs and a carefully scripted tomorrow.
the time i spend thinking about the plan i have for myself is a waste; however, upon reflection, i’ve realized that the more i think about the thinking, the less i accomplish and the worse i feel. i already know that sometimes i’m a bit too careful about what i say and do…i guess i’m so determined not to become someone who doesn’t see things, who doesn’t see people, or feel them. but more often than not, it’s a lack of saying and doing that leaves me with this ache.
it’s been suggested that for me writing about being sad is what keeps me from being sad. i don’t see how that could be true. writing about it certainly gives me a temporary fix…but one no better than a cup of hot cocoa or a warm blanket. it’s sharing my life with a community of people i’ve grown to trust and to love that helps. the words i’ve swallowed my never have settled…but how then, how do i find the words and say them to the people who need to hear them?
i returned from vacation in a hurry to get back to the friends i’d left behind. the best week of my summer ended today when i realized how much i need the next few days to be away from here…i continue to think about the relationships i’m blessed to have and how important it is to me that those bonds stay firm. i don’t expect my friendships to be blemish free (though maybe at one time i had such hopes), but i would hope that someday i’ll be able to say that in those that didn’t work out i tried my very best.
goodnight all.
love anna