truth019

i journal.
i journal, but i don’t blog it all for the world to see. sometimes i keep it to myself because i write such sad stuff so often…it’s not that i’m always sad, it’s just that being sad makes me want to write. to a reader, however, it might look like all i ever am is sad, because i write about those emotions more than others. if i can get into the habit of writing no matter how i’m feeking, perhaps the melancholy entries will resurface.
othertimes i journal my confessions. if i was sitting in a room right now, telling you all this, i would have taken a deep breath before i said that–and i would probably have been out of breath by the time i got to the last syllable of “confessions.” it’s just one of those big things, and it makes me choke. it makes me feel so cold to be so cold.
i’m struggling these days with how–and when–to reveal my shortcomings. i’ve been taught to confess my sins* so that i can be forgiven. i don’t know how to do that. i guess i need to start by learning to trust the people around me.
i’ve had a lot of bad thoughts lately. cold, mean thoughts that actually make me shudder i’m so disgusted with myself. i talked to a friend about it recently and told him how frustrated i was with this “sudden change.” a week later i came upon the following passage:
“We imply, and often believe, that habitual vices are exceptional single acts, and make the opposite mistake about our virtues–like the bad tennis player who calls his normal form his ‘bad days’ and mistakes his rare successes for his normal. I do not think it is our fault that we cannot tell the real truth about ourselves; the persistent, life-long, inner murmur of spite, jealousy, prurience, greed and self-complacence, simply will not go into words.”
-c.s. lewis, the problem of pain
i do believe i’ve missed the point. perhaps in my journaling i’ve watered down the meaning of the word confession. i see revealing my weaknesses to a community of people as a vital step in improving such behavior. in a way, i’ve asked that community to help me recognize that behavior and hold me accountable.
thank goodness for those that already do.
p.s. i didn’t intend for this post to be overly religious…the language (“confession”, “sin”) just seemed to most accurately describe the ridiculous mess of wordless emotion in my head.