liturgical binoculars

tonight i’ll type instead of journal.
honestly, i want to scream. this weekend has been full of those moments. i either want to scream or cry every minute. there was one moment this morning when i was sitting so still, in such deep thought, that i felt like i was on vicidin, floating through space, as peaceful as is humanly possible. but other than that moment, i’ve felt the need to jump out of my skin for some air all weekend long.
honestly, i don’t want to work this week. i wasn’t supposed to work this week. i really don’t feel like i have the time–or energy. i don’t have the patience necessary to do either job well. five early mornings, five full days.
honestly, i think liturgical binoculars are ridiculous.
honestly, i think i’m physically ill.
honestly, i miss ashley an awful lot. how is it that we missed goodbye? i’m angry that i was never around. upset that i missed hanging out with my best friend. we had an understanding. i’m so frustrated–so very frustrated–with the way the summer went by.
honestly, i need a hug. theresa just sent me one. the biggest one she could on aim. i hate aim. but i love theresa. she always makes me smile. i could use a huntley hug right now, though. a super-duper huntley hug. i need to know that comfort still exists.
honestly, three posts is too many for one day.
honestly, tonight i decided i was not at all interested in going to college. i felt like i was going to explode, and i was supposed to be making lists of things we have and things i need. the whole idea of college disgusted me. i doubt i’ll feel the same way tomorrow, but there are moments (more than i’d like to admit) when i feel that the time and the ridiculous amount of money would be better spent elsewhere and i despise everything college related. i don’t deserve the schooling if i’m not sure i want it. why can’t i want it? frustration.
honestly, i was infuriated (so much so that i was initially amused) by a favor asked of me a few days ago. part of me wants to clean his clock–when will he start to see other people? the other part of me says to forgive and forget–i’m usually so good at that–there’s no good reason not to help another person. i’m frustrated with myself for not having the courage to clean his clock…and i’m frustrated with myself for wanting the satisfaction of seeing him humbled, for once, and knowing that i caused his humility. it makes me feel cold to be so cold.
honestly, i’ve had thirteen glasses of water–i’m considering that a meal.
honestly, i welcome vanning tomorrow evening.
honestly, i haven’t been writing the letters i should be. i owe anna carpenter big time. i left her a message, and i’m going to try to visit her this week…i’ve been a rotten friend.
honestly, i’m not sure i can handle this sickness. i’m not ready to give up my oma and my opa. i’ll cry when i see them. so much love. so much.
honestly, my heart hurts, and i’m ready for tomorrow.
honestly, honesty should be so much simpler.