twenty forty

i’ve had an emotional day.
josie’s leaving for camp tomorrow–noah left for mexico this morning. the last few days, i haven’t been able to be the sister i’m always trying to be. i took josie shopping today and i couldn’t raise her spirits. she’s really nervous about going to camp. i knew this. but i just couldn’t do it. i struggled–feeling empty but extremely heavy all at once.
i wallowed in that feeling for a good part of the day. there was no one at home to call me on it, so i continued, requesting, expecting, almost demanding mercy. i went to church with josie tonight. the second reading was from the 2nd corinthians. 2nd corinthians is a letter written by a man named paul to the people of corinth. corinth was the las vegas of biblical times–maybe not as glamourous as las vegas–maybe reno. anyway, the corinthians were known for drinking, prostitution, and infidelity. paul’s letters were read to the people of corinth so that they might know how to walk the narrow path, so to speak.
paul seems to do a lot of self reflection in his letters as well. it’s almost as if he was writing a letter and he thought of something he needed to work out for himself and it was easier to do on paper…and then he decided not to cross it out. for example:
7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
i don’t know exactly what paul meant by a thorn in his flesh…but as i listened, it became clear to me that i spend a great deal of time hoping and praying that my own “thorns” will be removed when maybe i should delight in them instead. i’ve seen that strength before…but i always manage to forget about it when i’m looking for pity.
i think the greatest part about paul’s letters is that they don’t require the audience to be church-going. the corinthians certainly weren’t. it might have been paul’s hope that they be transformed into churchgoers, but he wasn’t expecting people to come to the text and already be an expert. i think that’s why a lot of churches–particularly modern churches–have trouble reaching postmodern kids. they answer questions with out of context bible verses and convince themselves that they’re making sense. maybe that was too harsh.
on a similar note, i’m still thinking about peace. it’s all tied together…that is, my emotional day and the people i meet and the books that i read. tonight it was a line from a movie:
“you cannot find peace by avoiding life.”
i just finished watching the hours. it was amazing. i cried–much more than i thought i would. it was sad, but it was also beautiful. three women, all from different times, linked together…and not just by a book (a book that i’m now determined to finish after putting it aside months ago) but also by the words they used, the way they handled food, and the way they woke up in the morning.
speaking of waking up in the morning.
goodnight.