and also with you

i’ve had a lot of different people tell me how important it is to be at peace with the members of my community. i’ve been struggling with that for some time now. i don’t think it’s unusual to struggle with that–i think everyone does. but what does it mean to be at peace with someone? how far do you have to go, how hard do you have to try? when will trying only further damage an already crippled relationship? how do you be honest without causing pain? is it okay to cause pain? how can i feel good about entering into new relationships with people when i’m not at peace with the people i already know? recently i’ve been oppressed by thoughts of inadequacy and limitation. i don’t know what to do with that. i’m trying to walk the narrow path but it’s awfully hard. again i become like stephen–mortifying my senses…looking for answers in the places i’d expect them. instead i’m finding slivers of hope in what wouldn’t otherwise be applicable at all. i’m hearing what i need to hear while listening to what i didn’t think i needed to hear. even with that, i don’t know what to do. i hear it–peace. peace. peace. but how?
you need time by yourself to know yourself.
you have to know yourself to possess yourself.
you have to possess yourself to give yourself away.
you have to give yourself away to know love.
possess yourself?? what is that supposed to mean? i guess that will be discussed over pizza tomorrow. i haven’t talked to anyone about it yet. possess yourself. hmm. maybe that has something to do with that upset stomach kind of a feeling you get when you can hardly handle “your situation.” that is, what you’ve made of yourself. when you can hardly stomach it. hardly hold it in your hand because you don’t want to look at it, and the idea of such a thing being a part of you is hardly imaginable. i don’t know. i should have asked.
i’ve taken in so much lately. i’ve had so many books to read and people to talk to–people are lovely. i have wonderful relationships with a number of people. i must always remember that. i must always remember to be greatful for those friendships. i still feel, though, that i can’t ignore what mess i’ve left (or at least contributed to–i’d like to think that is much more accurate :)) just because i have something “prettier” to focus on. i affect everyone around me. sometimes those people are as fragile as can be. a free meal here and there isn’t worth it at the cost of even one of these “weak ones.” i vow to be gentle. compassionate. loving. forgiving. i’ll do whatever it takes.
please.
bring on the peace.