tuesday

::BIG NEWS::
i went to jerry’s a week or two ago and found a wonderful surprise…they now carry two additional varieties of frozen pizza, both of which look as if they deserve the twenty two minutes of oven time they require…they are, however, ridiculously expensive. anyone want to share one??
pizza talk reminds me of bill’s, which reminds me of college. phew. college. my feelings about college go up and down and up and down. a lot of the time the idea of college excites me. i got my housing information in the mail the other day and all of sudden i could hardly wait to get on campus. but then there are other times…times when i sit in the car, driving up and down familiar streets…or when i lie in my bed at night…and there’s no one there but me…and i just want to disappear. disappear into the darkness into a place that’s all my own. a place where i can make my own life, earn my own living, make my own friends. a place where i feel like i’m taking a real risk. a place where i can learn the things about myself and about life that i know i need to learn. but then again, maybe that’s not the risk i need to take. maybe college is that risk. maybe college is the challenge i need, the experience i need to grow as a person, to learn about life and about myself. maybe college is just as scary for me as waking up alone in the dark and having to fend for myself.
god–to wake up alone in the dark.
lately i’ve spent a lot of time thinking about the person i’ve become. i know that i am not, by any means, done. but having had the opportunity to step back and look at where i am so far…oof. i’ve got to say the life i have now is most certainly not the one i want to lead for the rest of my life. i’ve certainly made some progress, with the help of a friend. friends are important. i need friends. i need people. i didn’t understand that until this year. i’ve never really believed it until recently. i don’t know if it was just that i felt the need to fix everything on my own, to be able to provide myself with everything i need (including my emotional needs) or if i was just afraid to share my life with other people.
to wake up. alone. in the dark.
in a lot of ways i’m still afraid. i know there are people who care about me. i know there are people who love me. who would do anything for me. but even though i know that….i feel like i don’t have anything to hang onto. so i hang onto these pieces of myself instead…i hang onto my deepest, most intense thoughts. i can’t communicate with the people closest to me. i can’t tell them how i feel. what i think.
alone–in the dark.
and i can’t relax. i can’t hang out and just have a good time. because i can’t let that part of me go, that part the protects me. i can’t let my guard down. i want to. i want to be able to let those things go. but i can’t. because i don’t trust the outside forces to hold me up. i want to. but i can’t let go. i only trust my own arms, my own feet. but they get so tired. and it doesnt’ make any sense not to trust. because the people i surround myself with are not the people who would let me fall. they’re the people that would catch me and help me back up. these are wonderful, caring people. people who deserve my trust. why can’t i give them that?? why can’t i???
alone. dark.
i get it. i understand. don’t i understand? didn’t i just say it? i’m scared. so scared. that i’ll wake up alone in the dark. and i’ll just curl up in a ball and cry. which sounds so incredibly depressing. and yes, i suppose it is. of course it is. it’s a very lonely place! i can see it. i can feel it. i can almost touch it. and i shiver. i see myself getting closer everytime i don’t pick up the phone. everytime i decide to stay home. everytime i keep my mouth shut.
i need to find some way to end this on a happier note. but i don’t know how to do that. i’d like to be able to say that by putting all these thoughts onto paper i’ve developed some great plan or that i’ve suddenly realized that i can trust afterall. but i can’t. because i know this will take time to sort out. i know i need other people to help me sort it out. to help me open up and let other people inside. i want to let you inside. please. don’t hesitate to knock.