e-mail that says it all...sort of

annafine~
fine. then i'll call you annafine! well duh annafine, did you think i was gonna STOP taping GG??????? where would you pick up that conclusion? honestly. i cried before, but on the way out of walmart tonight, i totally broke down. it started with we didn't go to target like we thought we would, we went to walmart, so i couldn't get my electric razor (obviously i didn't tell mom that's what i wanted, so she had no idea i was upset) and ended with me sobbing about how you wouldn't need me anymore 'cause you have ellen now, and she gets to steal my big sister. wahoo. i know, that's ridiculous: RI-DIC-U-LOUS! and i guess i kind of feel like when we could really be friends, not just sisters, you were gone. what about when i have to talk to someone about..... ya know...... "girly problems"? i love mom, but i'm just never quite comfy with that. why can't we be like stephanie and d.j.?? d.j. never had to go to college! she went to prom and then the series was over and we all lived happily ever after! hey, just pick a weekly night to go to bill's. that should make you feel better :-) maybe i'll come out for my birthday or yours next year, when i'm a little older. anna, what's so bad about st. olaf? you've been dying to go there forever. (oh, did i tell you that i cried all over the keyboard earlier and i think almost electrocuted myself? lol) is everything okay? hey everybody's dying to know if you left those OREOs for people to eat, or if they're YOURS!!!!! *smirk* I'm listening to "ULTIMATE" from Freaky Friday right now. OOOOH, GUESS WHAT! My Hilary Duff CD came! Excietment! did you find paul? if you didn't..... (((Anna))) that's a virtual hug. hey, i'm gonna shop with mom for your alarm clock, so i'll find you a cute one. i need one, too. wow, i like typing long e-mails. love the paul buck shorthand! ugh. my eyes are swollen from crying so much. i'm not trying to make you feel bad. i'm sorry if i am. but i have one last feeling about you going to college. you ready? this is gonna be deep. like, mr. gumz deep. i've always wanted the kind of big sister that wears makeup and loves to go cute-clothes shopping with me. (not one who faints in Express) and just a couple years ago i realized that what i really want is what i have. you.

wish you were here right now, hugging me. same your way. goodnight.

love you and miss you to unhealthy standards,

~josie :-(

tonight i'll type instead of journal.

honestly, i want to scream. this weekend has been full of those moments. i either want to scream or cry every minute. there was one moment this morning when i was sitting so still, in such deep thought, that i felt like i was on vicidin, floating through space, as peaceful as is humanly possible. but other than that moment, i've felt the need to jump out of my skin for some air all weekend long.

honestly, i don't want to work this week. i wasn't supposed to work this week. i really don't feel like i have the time--or energy. i don't have the patience necessary to do either job well. five early mornings, five full days.

honestly, i think liturgical binoculars are ridiculous.

honestly, i think i'm physically ill.

honestly, i miss ashley an awful lot. how is it that we missed goodbye? i'm angry that i was never around. upset that i missed hanging out with my best friend. we had an understanding. i'm so frustrated--so very frustrated--with the way the summer went by.

honestly, i need a hug. theresa just sent me one. the biggest one she could on aim. i hate aim. but i love theresa. she always makes me smile. i could use a huntley hug right now, though. a super-duper huntley hug. i need to know that comfort still exists.

honestly, three posts is too many for one day.

honestly, tonight i decided i was not at all interested in going to college. i felt like i was going to explode, and i was supposed to be making lists of things we have and things i need. the whole idea of college disgusted me. i doubt i'll feel the same way tomorrow, but there are moments (more than i'd like to admit) when i feel that the time and the ridiculous amount of money would be better spent elsewhere and i despise everything college related. i don't deserve the schooling if i'm not sure i want it. why can't i want it? frustration.

honestly, i was infuriated (so much so that i was initially amused) by a favor asked of me a few days ago. part of me wants to clean his clock--when will he start to see other people? the other part of me says to forgive and forget--i'm usually so good at that--there's no good reason not to help another person. i'm frustrated with myself for not having the courage to clean his clock...and i'm frustrated with myself for wanting the satisfaction of seeing him humbled, for once, and knowing that i caused his humility. it makes me feel cold to be so cold.

honestly, i've had thirteen glasses of water--i'm considering that a meal.

honestly, i welcome vanning tomorrow evening.

honestly, i haven't been writing the letters i should be. i owe anna carpenter big time. i left her a message, and i'm going to try to visit her this week...i've been a rotten friend.

honestly, i'm not sure i can handle this sickness. i'm not ready to give up my oma and my opa. i'll cry when i see them. so much love. so much.

honestly, my heart hurts, and i'm ready for tomorrow.

honestly, honesty should be so much simpler.

does msn really want to make me a better person?

august gardening tips
a guide for securing your data and shielding it from prying eyes
dating tips for single parents
avioding a bad picnic
job interview pet peeves

now, i must admit. i, like many others, have been known to click on one or two of the above (or a similar link). today i chose dating tips for single parents. it told me what i expected it to tell me--it became more of a vehicle for ads than anything else--but i wonder if others log on to msn daily for advice. are single parents reading this somewhere and changing their behavior dramatically because of it?

"the kids have to save themselves these days because the parents don't have a clue."
-donnie darko

i journal.

i journal, but i don't blog it all for the world to see. sometimes i keep it to myself because i write such sad stuff so often...it's not that i'm always sad, it's just that being sad makes me want to write. to a reader, however, it might look like all i ever am is sad, because i write about those emotions more than others. if i can get into the habit of writing no matter how i'm feeking, perhaps the melancholy entries will resurface.

othertimes i journal my confessions. if i was sitting in a room right now, telling you all this, i would have taken a deep breath before i said that--and i would probably have been out of breath by the time i got to the last syllable of "confessions." it's just one of those big things, and it makes me choke. it makes me feel so cold to be so cold.

i'm struggling these days with how--and when--to reveal my shortcomings. i've been taught to confess my sins* so that i can be forgiven. i don't know how to do that. i guess i need to start by learning to trust the people around me.

i've had a lot of bad thoughts lately. cold, mean thoughts that actually make me shudder i'm so disgusted with myself. i talked to a friend about it recently and told him how frustrated i was with this "sudden change." a week later i came upon the following passage:

"We imply, and often believe, that habitual vices are exceptional single acts, and make the opposite mistake about our virtues--like the bad tennis player who calls his normal form his 'bad days' and mistakes his rare successes for his normal. I do not think it is our fault that we cannot tell the real truth about ourselves; the persistent, life-long, inner murmur of spite, jealousy, prurience, greed and self-complacence, simply will not go into words."
-c.s. lewis, the problem of pain

i do believe i've missed the point. perhaps in my journaling i've watered down the meaning of the word confession. i see revealing my weaknesses to a community of people as a vital step in improving such behavior. in a way, i've asked that community to help me recognize that behavior and hold me accountable.

thank goodness for those that already do.

p.s. i didn't intend for this post to be overly religious...the language ("confession", "sin") just seemed to most accurately describe the ridiculous mess of wordless emotion in my head.