i'd like to write about an emotional experience i had on friday--but i can't. or maybe i don't want to...i just don't know how to express in words what i was feeling at that moment...well that's not true either. i could very easily get that idea across. but what i can't explain is why i'm not feeling that way right now. why i can't feel that way right now. the fact is, there are a lot of things i don't want to explain right now.
do people tell the truth?? i guess i'll never know who's telling the whole truth and if their truth is as deep and pure and the truth i feel. maybe you have to know yourself really well to be able to do that...i know when i'm lying to myself. i know how i really feel about most everything. i don't tell people. is that a mistake? i don't want to scare everyone away.
the beginning of ghost in the snow just made me cry.
i said earlier that i don't cry easily. that's not true. what's true is that i don't let other people see me cry. i want to hide those things. tears require explanations. i don't want to exlain what made me cry. especially if you made me cry. and even if it wasn't you. what are you going to do about it? why does it matter? just give me a hug and tell me you're there for me.
that stupid phone!
a couple of weeks ago i ended up in the your* office in tears. you cursed. i laughed. i lost it. you hugged me. i went back to school. that's the way it should work. but at one in the morning you're hard to reach. your desk is locked behind big heavy doors.
you** needed me one night. i should have held you close and made you feel safe. i was careful. you say i helped. maybe i did. but i failed on some vital points. you went away and changed. then for some reason my muffin statement touched you. i don't know how or why...but it made me wonder if there was a bit of the glaze left in your eye. in fact, i was convinced. but for me life just grew colder. we seemed to grow further and further apart. sometimes i wish you were the same because then you might need me. that's selfish. i'm sorry.
my cliff theory doesn't work anymore. i'm too unpredictable for that. my boundries are too thin. you see how i don't want to explain anything?? i just want you to understand already. or for the foundation not to matter so much.
ghost in the snow. over and over again.
nothing changes. i clean and i rearrange and i clean again. i sort and i toss and i wash and i wring. i smile and i cry. i wince and i smirk. i curl up and i lie flat. i'll always be afraid. afraid of drawing lines in our sandbox. afraid of closing doors. i'm afraid to talk to anyone but myself. and talking to myself makes me awfully lonely. i can't be my own stomache ache cure. i need other people. i know i do.
goodbye.
*doesn't read my blog
**doesn't read my blog
my buddy left a little while ago...she brought me a fabulous surprise. she brought me a way to keep warm all winter long. warm red mittens. and warm they are. very nice and warm. i can;'t tyope so well with them on...i correct some of my mistakes and other s i just levae in. i like it that wayl. then you will all know when i have my jittens on. hehe. anyway. yes. on the outside i'll be nice and warm. but on the inside too--because every time i wear them (which will be every single day) i'll think of my friend every time i look down at my hands. those sad days when i don't have a hooded sweatshirt with a pocket for my hands i wont get so sad. i'll just put on my mittens and smile. and miss her. because she's awfully sweet. sweet people make me happy. they remind me how beautiful the world can be. they remind me that love is all around me. i appreciate surprises. and i love to be visited. sometimes i don't visit because i don;'t know if that would be okay. but you're alwayas welcome here. all of you.
i left the light on.
it was an accident done on purpose.
love anna