home again, home again. with the 2002 road trip behind me, i can concentrate on the last third of the summer. but first, in review:
i spent the last two weeks on the road...minneapolis to los angeles and everywhere in between. the drive out was long and hot...temperatures reached 109 degrees...but 109 degrees in utah is like 79 in minnesota. the western states are humidity lacking, making it feel a good 30 degrees cooler. we stopped breifly in salt lake city and slept in reno. for every casino in that city there is also a buffet. but honestly, reno was a disappointment. it was just a dirty place to waste money.
san fransisco was a blast. we spent the first day exploring the city and then ben and i headed to a television station that broadcasts live from san fransisco to watch a show. we returned two days later for a behind the scenes tour from your favorite and mine, mr. chris parillo...he also introduced me to the best mocha i've ever had at peet's coffee and tea. chris lives for coffee. for good coffee, that is. peet's is four or five blocks from the studio. he has to pass starsucks to get there. we also spent a great deal of time at alcatraz and exploring the piers. san fransisco is a fun city. our three day stay there was perhaps a bit short.
we spent most of the next week driving slowly down the coast. the plan, i suppose, was to explore california's many beaches. i've discovered that i'm not a particularly big fan of water. besides. it's cold there. it didn't really get warm until we reached los angeles...by way of the 405....
the trip home began a day early. i, along with everyone esle, was ready to go home. it was a long two weeks. sleeping in the back seat of the suburban just isn't the same as a bed, you know? anyway, the trip back was filled with all sorts of music. here's what i've been listening to:
a little too much rosie thomas
lots of denison witmer's stuff, 80s ep, etc.
pedro (given)
fiona apple
boards of canada, music has a right to children*
autechre, peel sesison 2
then when i got home i had two packages from e-bay folks....one was damien jurado's ghost of david, which i've been trying to get a hold of for a long time. the other was a compilation with a live version of pedro's criticism as inspiration, among other things...including some of adam voith's writing...i don't know that i'm a fan of the rest of the cd though. we'll see.
okay, there's a bunch of stuff on my mind right now, but my eyes are starting to sting, so i best be getting to bed. i'll try to come up with something a bit more substantial for another time :)
love anna
ps. i promise substantial doesn't equal depressing...
*hey s, thanks man.
i don't cry easily...i mean, it happens. occasionally. but not all that often. when it does, it's not usually because i'm hurting. it's because i'm ashamed. ashamed of my lack of courage, faith, or sympathy, ashamed of my selfishness, or ashamed of not being the person i know i'm capable of being. the tears are usually brought on by some unrelated issue....but i don't cry because i'm sad. i cry because my concerns are so trivial. but what i realized this evening was that however trivial, my concerns are very real to me. the fact that my mind has regarded them as insignificant is of little importance; my heart, not my mind, controls my feelings. i'm not convinced that i can think my way into a better place. i believe that my heart needs to be touched. it's like there's some part of me hibernating in there without enough energy (or confidence) to fight its way to the surface.
i took a walk in the rain tonight. i passed familiar doors, those often found to be particularly heavy. for the first time i asked asked myself a simple question out loud: "are you okay?" the words startled me. my spoken answer was perhaps equally surprising: "no, i'm not." i've shrugged off that question for a long time. it's always been important for me to be the strong one. i've never wanted help--i've never wanted to believe that anyone was capable of helping me. is it a pride thing? i suppose. but i'm tired. tired of hiding and tired of wrapping myself in my own arms. i'm tired of this day, this week. and i'm ready to do something about it.
the fact that i don't have everything figured out should come as no surprise to you. no one does. it's as simple as that. but being described as "the most together person [you] know"?* i don't think so. something about that line makes me feel like i've been a lying fool.
all the pipes are leaking if you notice it i guess. is that all it takes? someone to notice? if we all explained to each other how much we really cared, would it be okay? or would we all scare each other away? there's certainly living proof of both circumstances. an unexpected phone call can mean the world to a someone. but then there are other times...
anyway. i don't know if cleaning out my inbox and making room in my desk drawers will change anything. but i hope that no matter how deep i go, i'll want someone to know me.
*w, no worries, i don't remember everything you say, this just stuck.